New discoveries about Iran

Obama micromanaged the SEAL team mission that stopped the evil terrorist Osama one day before he released his top secret plan for an unstoppable terrorist attack that would have made 9/11 seem like a minor fender-bender. Osama was in a multimillion dollar fortress with a small army of jihadis armed with heavy weapons, but, thanks to Obama's brilliant leadership, not one SEAL got so much as a scratch.

Seymour Hersh wrote that Obama lied about the mission. Mr Hersh won many acolades for his proof that Nixon lied about Vietnam, but, of course, Obama cannot tell a lie, so Mr Hersh was advised to stick to his memoirs: Nixon's lies still sell, while it is strictly prohibited to suggest that Obama might have told a tiny fib, since that would be impossible. It is true that Obama hired some people to write the strictly factual accounts of his successes, people who learned their journalism at Marvel, but that just made them world-class journalists whose prose has never been equalled (just as Marvel heroes are never defeated).

Now Trump is mining the information recovered from Osama. He found irrefutable proof that al-Qaeda and ISIL are followers of the Ayatollahs of Iran, they all belong to the exact same jihadist sect, a sect we know is Zoroastrian, not Islamic, since the King of Saudi Arabia, the leader of all Islam, told us so (al-Wahhab taught in the 18th century that the leadership of all Islam passed to the King in the 7th Islamic century, or the 14th Christian century, and that the King rules by Divine Right, and so is Divinely Guided and can never be wrong, and the King pronounced al-Wahhab's writings as true; since al-Wahhab proved that the King is always right, the King's pronouncement that all of al-Wahhab's writings are correct is irrefutable proof that Wahhabism is the only true religion).

The Ayatollahs refer to al-Qaeda and ISIL as takfir, a Persian word that must mean BFF.