Monday, April 16, 2018

Top Secret Phone Call

'Hello, Don.'

'Privet, Vlad. We have to talk. You know May and Macron are facing dark and story nights, and I'm facing a dark and Stormy night, so we absolutely have to bomb Syria, we have no choice. You don't have to worry about elections, so I'm asking you to let us. You said you'd shoot down all the planes launching the missiles, and then I'd have to respond, and then you'd have to respond, and who knows where it might end up going?'

'OK. Take down these coordinates.' [redacted] 'Got them?'

'Yes, Vlad, I'm recording the call.'

'Good. You may shoot at all of them on Saturday, 14 April, at 5 am Moscow time, that will be 8 pm your time, so you'll be able to go on prime time TV and say you've destroyed the Syrian poison gas production facilities. If one of your planes shoots anywhere else, or any other time, we'll shoot it down. Understand?'


'I'll feign outrage, and say you destroyed a bunch of peaceful chemical research facilities, and your people will say I'm lying (as I will be) and that's proof they were illegal poison gas facilities, and that must be the end of it. OK?'

'Deal. Spasiba, Vlad.'

'Do svidania, Don.'